Today was filled with a variety of emotions as it was my last official visit with my RE and also my first visit at the OB's office.
I started the day at the RE's office for my 11 week ultrasound. I was very nervous (as usual), but seemed even more uneasy as this was the first ultrasound my hubby couldn't be at. He works at a year round school and today was the first day of classes, so really difficult for him to get out of. Anyways, my RE put the wand in and for a second I was too afraid to look at the screen. But, I'm glad I did because it was instant relief as I saw our lil one moving around like crazy. He/she was very hyper today! My doctor had to try like 3 times for the heartbeat reading because the lil one would not sit still for a second. It was so amazing to watch. I've really been fortunate to have so many ultrasounds because I've had the opportunity to see our baby change week to week and it's miraculous! Today I saw much longer arms (not those cute tiny arm buds anymore) and actual fingers. I saw one ear too. The baby kept putting its arms up by his face and it looked like he/she was actually waving at us.
After the ultrasound, I had my official "graduation". Hugs from all the nurses and my doctor. I cried, of course. These women have taken such good care of me - physically and even more importantly, emotionally. They made me promise to come back with updates, which sure was an easy promise to make. I even got a graduation gift - subscription to FitPregnancy, a cute stuffed animal for the baby, and some baby accessories.
After the appointment with the RE, I found myself feeling very happy. I've always dreamed of a graduation day. So then I headed to another wing where my new home will be, the OB's office. I got to tell you - it felt really weird sitting in that office. I felt really out of place and as if I just wasn't like the other women sitting in there. Let's be honest, I'm not.
I met with one of the midwives and she was wonderful. She used to be an OB for years, so she has a wealth of knowledge and experience. She was one of the most thorough women I have ever met. I didn't walk out of there til 2 hours later. We did a complete medical history, a physical, blood work, and I even got my flu shot. I was really impressed with how much she had studied my records before I came in...I did feel as though she had an idea of what I've been through and I appreciate that.
I now am in the process of deciding if we will be doing the nuchal translucency screening or not. I know for a fact that there is nothing that could change the way I feel about this baby and that the results won't alter anything for us. So part of me doesn't feel the need to have it done. But, then on the other hand - if we don't have it done we won't have another ultrasound for 4 weeks!!! When she told me that, I nearly fell off of my chair. 4 weeks?!?! That sounds like eternity, especially after the special care I've been receiving with the RE's office. If I proceed with the nuchal translucency screening, I would then get to have an ultrasound again in about 2 weeks, which is very appealing to me. We'll see - waiting for hubby to get home to discuss. Any feedback you ladies have on this would be appreciated.
The midwife saw how anxious I was when hearing I will only be seen every 4 weeks. She tried reassuring me that things are looking great and that my chances of miscarriage have significantly dropped. And this is definitely the point, I keep reminding myself that I need to have "faith over fear", as amiracle4us so wonderfully put it.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
New Year...New Joy
It's been such a long time since I've updated and I'm so sorry. The truth is I've been in shock and literally haven't been able to express everything I've been feeling. But please know I've been following your blogs and been thinking of you all so much!
In early December, hubby and I found out we are pregnant. And get this...naturally. Now considering my RE gave me about a 2% of ever conceiving naturally, I am in complete awe of this miracle. I look back at my recent posts and wonder if maybe there was a reason I was at such a standstill, not feeling led in any particular direction? Just maybe it was because this was the plan and now it's finally unfolding?!?!
At this point, I can't be sure...but I am praying with all of my heart that this could possibly be "it".
My RE's office has been amazing and has given me such thorough care. I've had 4 ultrasounds already! The first ultrasound was at 5w4d and we saw a gestational sac and yolk sac measuring on track. We came back at 7 weeks and had the most amazing experience ever of hearing the heartbeat for the first time at 118 bpm! However, at this point my RE also found a subchorionic hemorrhage in my uterus. She wanted to watch it closely and was hoping it would heal on its own. It was nice at this point to take a vacation to get my mind off everything - it really helped me to relax. I came back from vacation and saw the doctor the next day at 9 weeks. Once again we heard/saw the heartbeat which had risen to 175 bpm. We were extra lucky at this ultrasound because we got to see our lil miracle wiggling around like crazy...arms and legs!
But my doctor noticed that the subchorionic hemorrhage had grown larger and she had me go to radiology for a more thorough ultrasound. They found two separate bleeds. My doctor wasn't overly concerned since the baby was progressing as it should..she didn't think the bleeding was affecting the pregnancy. However, she informed me that we needed to keep a close eye on it and if it were to become worse or if I started bleeding externally that I would need to be on strict bedrest. Well, bedrest is just what I did that whole following weekend. I was feeling awful to begin with and hubby really wanted me to rest due to the hemorrhage.
We went back yesterday for our 10 week ultrasound and got great news. The bleeding has substantially decreased and my doctor said it is almost gone. It's healing on its own...thank you God. The baby was once again measuring right on track at 10w 1d with a heartbeat of 171 bpm. The baby gave us a nice show again and was like a lil teddy bear wiggling around. Since the hemorrhage was healing and the baby was making such good progress, she told me the chance of miscarriage had dropped to less 5%. I officially graduated from my RE yesterday and was referred to an OB.
Now don't get me wrong - I am fully aware that we are not out of the woods yet. I don't think I will be breathing easy anytime soon!!! After two losses and years of battling infertility, it's almost impossible to escape the worry. But at the same time, we are so thankful to be further than we ever have been before. I can't stop thanking God for every day of this pregnancy...every single day is a blessing.
I have my first appointment at the OB's office next week Wednesday. It will be with a nurse practitioner for her to gather all my history, do a physical, and do some blood work. I'll find out then when my first meeting will be with the OB. My RE is so wonderful..she knows it will be awhile til I have my first ultrasound with the OB so she said I could come back next week Wednesday for another ultrasound with her to try and hold me over. :) She completely understands how much I've been through and wants to do anything to try and alleviate any worries while I wait. I really appreciate that...it means so much to me. I don't know how I will ever thank her and the nursing staff there for taking such good care of me in every possible way. I feel at "home" there and am nervous about this transition to the OB...excited, but nervous.
I'll leave you today with a picture from the last day of vacation. This was the view from the verandah. As I gazed across the ocean and saw this..I couldn't help but thinking...maybe, just maybe this could be our rainbow baby?!
In early December, hubby and I found out we are pregnant. And get this...naturally. Now considering my RE gave me about a 2% of ever conceiving naturally, I am in complete awe of this miracle. I look back at my recent posts and wonder if maybe there was a reason I was at such a standstill, not feeling led in any particular direction? Just maybe it was because this was the plan and now it's finally unfolding?!?!
At this point, I can't be sure...but I am praying with all of my heart that this could possibly be "it".
My RE's office has been amazing and has given me such thorough care. I've had 4 ultrasounds already! The first ultrasound was at 5w4d and we saw a gestational sac and yolk sac measuring on track. We came back at 7 weeks and had the most amazing experience ever of hearing the heartbeat for the first time at 118 bpm! However, at this point my RE also found a subchorionic hemorrhage in my uterus. She wanted to watch it closely and was hoping it would heal on its own. It was nice at this point to take a vacation to get my mind off everything - it really helped me to relax. I came back from vacation and saw the doctor the next day at 9 weeks. Once again we heard/saw the heartbeat which had risen to 175 bpm. We were extra lucky at this ultrasound because we got to see our lil miracle wiggling around like crazy...arms and legs!
But my doctor noticed that the subchorionic hemorrhage had grown larger and she had me go to radiology for a more thorough ultrasound. They found two separate bleeds. My doctor wasn't overly concerned since the baby was progressing as it should..she didn't think the bleeding was affecting the pregnancy. However, she informed me that we needed to keep a close eye on it and if it were to become worse or if I started bleeding externally that I would need to be on strict bedrest. Well, bedrest is just what I did that whole following weekend. I was feeling awful to begin with and hubby really wanted me to rest due to the hemorrhage.
We went back yesterday for our 10 week ultrasound and got great news. The bleeding has substantially decreased and my doctor said it is almost gone. It's healing on its own...thank you God. The baby was once again measuring right on track at 10w 1d with a heartbeat of 171 bpm. The baby gave us a nice show again and was like a lil teddy bear wiggling around. Since the hemorrhage was healing and the baby was making such good progress, she told me the chance of miscarriage had dropped to less 5%. I officially graduated from my RE yesterday and was referred to an OB.
Now don't get me wrong - I am fully aware that we are not out of the woods yet. I don't think I will be breathing easy anytime soon!!! After two losses and years of battling infertility, it's almost impossible to escape the worry. But at the same time, we are so thankful to be further than we ever have been before. I can't stop thanking God for every day of this pregnancy...every single day is a blessing.
I have my first appointment at the OB's office next week Wednesday. It will be with a nurse practitioner for her to gather all my history, do a physical, and do some blood work. I'll find out then when my first meeting will be with the OB. My RE is so wonderful..she knows it will be awhile til I have my first ultrasound with the OB so she said I could come back next week Wednesday for another ultrasound with her to try and hold me over. :) She completely understands how much I've been through and wants to do anything to try and alleviate any worries while I wait. I really appreciate that...it means so much to me. I don't know how I will ever thank her and the nursing staff there for taking such good care of me in every possible way. I feel at "home" there and am nervous about this transition to the OB...excited, but nervous.
I'll leave you today with a picture from the last day of vacation. This was the view from the verandah. As I gazed across the ocean and saw this..I couldn't help but thinking...maybe, just maybe this could be our rainbow baby?!
Monday, December 26, 2011
Happy Holidays
Merry Christmas everyone! I can't tell you how much I have been thinking of you all through the holidays. I'm currently on the way to Jamaica to ring in the new year with my family... I promise to update with what's been going on with me when I return. But for now, I leave you with lots of love and well wishes for the upcoming new year.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Standstill
*Before reading - please know this post is not about ANY of my fellow blogger friends. I LOVE you guys so much. It's referencing people I have met in my real life that experienced infertility and/or went through treatments that are now pregnant.
Standstill - that's where I'm at. I just feel as though everyone else is speeding past me, moving forward..making progress...enjoying their lives. And here I am - just still here.
Sorry I haven't been blogging more. When I'm not in treatment, I really just feel as though I don't have much to say. I'm waiting on AF. I am supposed to call my RE's office on CD1 to make an appointment to come in at some point between CD5 and 10 for another hysterosonogram (oh joy) and more recurrent pregnancy loss testing ( blood work).
Then the plan is to start birth control for IVF #3 in January. I cannot believe my "break" is almost over already. That's what I mean when I say a standstill...I feel as though I haven't moved an inch since my last miscarriage. In the same exact spot and some days feeling worse than ever (emotionally).
I'm sure the good 'ol holidays have something to do with it. Or maybe my pregnant friends who feel the need to post something on FB about their pregnancy daily?!?!? I know ..I know..I should just hide their feed already. I plan to. It's interesting to me that many of the women who tend to hurt me the most are women that have experienced infertility. I guess it hurts me that once they made it to the "other side" that it's so easy for them to forget where they came from and that they are the ones making the CONSTANT pregnancy posts. Yes, I know - it's a VERY happy time for them and they are blessed and deserve to be happy! Yes - but don't tell me that they don't remember how much it hurt to read the daily posts & complaints about pregnancies?!?! I pray, pray, and pray that I some day make it to the "other side". But when I do, I will NOT forget where I came from. I will NOT forget about OUR community. I WILL think of others and their feelings and BE considerate & sensitive to the many women out there that may be struggling with infertility on a daily basis. I can promise you that!
I know they've struggled and deserve happiness more than anyone! I am happy for them, I really am. I wouldn't want anyone to have to continue to go through this misery, day after day. But I wish they wouldn't lose sight of how much they hurt before their dreams came true.
There are many of us out here that are still hurting and are still dreaming...
Standstill - that's where I'm at. I just feel as though everyone else is speeding past me, moving forward..making progress...enjoying their lives. And here I am - just still here.
Sorry I haven't been blogging more. When I'm not in treatment, I really just feel as though I don't have much to say. I'm waiting on AF. I am supposed to call my RE's office on CD1 to make an appointment to come in at some point between CD5 and 10 for another hysterosonogram (oh joy) and more recurrent pregnancy loss testing ( blood work).
Then the plan is to start birth control for IVF #3 in January. I cannot believe my "break" is almost over already. That's what I mean when I say a standstill...I feel as though I haven't moved an inch since my last miscarriage. In the same exact spot and some days feeling worse than ever (emotionally).
I'm sure the good 'ol holidays have something to do with it. Or maybe my pregnant friends who feel the need to post something on FB about their pregnancy daily?!?!? I know ..I know..I should just hide their feed already. I plan to. It's interesting to me that many of the women who tend to hurt me the most are women that have experienced infertility. I guess it hurts me that once they made it to the "other side" that it's so easy for them to forget where they came from and that they are the ones making the CONSTANT pregnancy posts. Yes, I know - it's a VERY happy time for them and they are blessed and deserve to be happy! Yes - but don't tell me that they don't remember how much it hurt to read the daily posts & complaints about pregnancies?!?! I pray, pray, and pray that I some day make it to the "other side". But when I do, I will NOT forget where I came from. I will NOT forget about OUR community. I WILL think of others and their feelings and BE considerate & sensitive to the many women out there that may be struggling with infertility on a daily basis. I can promise you that!
I know they've struggled and deserve happiness more than anyone! I am happy for them, I really am. I wouldn't want anyone to have to continue to go through this misery, day after day. But I wish they wouldn't lose sight of how much they hurt before their dreams came true.
There are many of us out here that are still hurting and are still dreaming...
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Praying to be Led
Some weeks are easier than others...and unfortunately this last week was not good. I had some traumatic things happen with a few of my students and to top it off ...there was yet another pregnancy announcement at work.
This one really stung as it was this woman's 2nd pregnancy. I couldn't help but remember how hard it was for me when she announced her first pregnancy. It's not that I resent her. It's more that I resent that I am still in the same damn spot as I was when she made her first announcement...nearly 3 years ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To think that I have been "trying" that long.. just really, really hurts. I don't know how else to say it.
Part of me feels in shock..I have lost 2 babies in the last year and a half. That is hard to handle when I take a step back and reflect. I put all the treatments aside and just think...I've lost two precious lives.
Another part of me feels stuck...I have options, but yet the problem is - I'm not excited to do any of them. Right now none of them feel "right"...not a 3rd IVF, not taking a break, not adopting, not pursuing donor eggs or embryo adoption.
I pray every night that God will guide us as we try and plan our next steps towards building our family. I need some direction from up above. Please God, help us find our way.
This one really stung as it was this woman's 2nd pregnancy. I couldn't help but remember how hard it was for me when she announced her first pregnancy. It's not that I resent her. It's more that I resent that I am still in the same damn spot as I was when she made her first announcement...nearly 3 years ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To think that I have been "trying" that long.. just really, really hurts. I don't know how else to say it.
Part of me feels in shock..I have lost 2 babies in the last year and a half. That is hard to handle when I take a step back and reflect. I put all the treatments aside and just think...I've lost two precious lives.
Another part of me feels stuck...I have options, but yet the problem is - I'm not excited to do any of them. Right now none of them feel "right"...not a 3rd IVF, not taking a break, not adopting, not pursuing donor eggs or embryo adoption.
I pray every night that God will guide us as we try and plan our next steps towards building our family. I need some direction from up above. Please God, help us find our way.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
Thoughts....Long Term Effects?!?!
Hi ladies...question for you today that is on my mind.
Do any of you repeated IVF'ers worry about the long term effects the drugs may be causing?
I've been doing pretty well lately, just an occasional melt down here and there. But my most recent meltdown was just freaking out about doing IVF all over again for a 3rd time. I was just crying and telling hubby how I am scared of putting my body through it all again. I know this is/was the fear coming through, but I can't help but wonder what damage these large quantities of hormones could potentially be causing?!?!
Of course I immediately thought, a child would far outweigh the potential risk!!!! But then I have to be realistic and my chances of this working are actually very slim. Let's be real here. There is a chance that I may continue to move forward with fertility treatments and in the end, still not end up pregnant.
Oh and I'm sure coming across this blog post today has fueled my fears.
I guess these are conversations that I need to continue to have with the hubby. But I would really welcome and appreciate any of your thoughts as well. Sending all of you well wishes and lots of love!
Do any of you repeated IVF'ers worry about the long term effects the drugs may be causing?
I've been doing pretty well lately, just an occasional melt down here and there. But my most recent meltdown was just freaking out about doing IVF all over again for a 3rd time. I was just crying and telling hubby how I am scared of putting my body through it all again. I know this is/was the fear coming through, but I can't help but wonder what damage these large quantities of hormones could potentially be causing?!?!
Of course I immediately thought, a child would far outweigh the potential risk!!!! But then I have to be realistic and my chances of this working are actually very slim. Let's be real here. There is a chance that I may continue to move forward with fertility treatments and in the end, still not end up pregnant.
Oh and I'm sure coming across this blog post today has fueled my fears.
I guess these are conversations that I need to continue to have with the hubby. But I would really welcome and appreciate any of your thoughts as well. Sending all of you well wishes and lots of love!
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