Standstill

*Before reading - please know this post is not about ANY of my fellow blogger friends. I LOVE you guys so much. It's referencing people I have met in my real life that experienced infertility and/or went through treatments that are now pregnant.



Standstill - that's where I'm at. I just feel as though everyone else is speeding past me, moving forward..making progress...enjoying their lives. And here I am - just still here.

Sorry I haven't been blogging more. When I'm not in treatment, I really just feel as though I don't have much to say. I'm waiting on AF. I am supposed to call my RE's office on CD1 to make an appointment to come in at some point between CD5 and 10 for another hysterosonogram (oh joy) and more recurrent pregnancy loss testing ( blood work).

Then the plan is to start birth control for IVF #3 in January. I cannot believe my "break" is almost over already. That's what I mean when I say a standstill...I feel as though I haven't moved an inch since my last miscarriage. In the same exact spot and some days feeling worse than ever (emotionally).

I'm sure the good 'ol holidays have something to do with it. Or maybe my pregnant friends who feel the need to post something on FB about their pregnancy daily?!?!? I know ..I know..I should just hide their feed already. I plan to. It's interesting to me that many of the women who tend to hurt me the most are women that have experienced infertility. I guess it hurts me that once they made it to the "other side" that it's so easy for them to forget where they came from and that they are the ones making the CONSTANT pregnancy posts. Yes, I know - it's a VERY happy time for them and they are blessed and deserve to be happy! Yes - but don't tell me that they don't remember how much it hurt to read the daily posts & complaints about pregnancies?!?! I pray, pray, and pray that I some day make it to the "other side". But when I do, I will NOT forget where I came from. I will NOT forget about OUR community. I WILL think of others and their feelings and BE considerate & sensitive to the many women out there that may be struggling with infertility on a daily basis. I can promise you that!

I know they've struggled and deserve happiness more than anyone! I am happy for them, I really am. I wouldn't want anyone to have to continue to go through this misery, day after day. But I wish they wouldn't lose sight of how much they hurt before their dreams came true.

There are many of us out here that are still hurting and are still dreaming...

Praying to be Led

Some weeks are easier than others...and unfortunately this last week was not good. I had some traumatic things happen with a few of my students and to top it off ...there was yet another pregnancy announcement at work.

This one really stung as it was this woman's 2nd pregnancy. I couldn't help but remember how hard it was for me when she announced her first pregnancy. It's not that I resent her. It's more that I resent that I am still in the same damn spot as I was when she made her first announcement...nearly 3 years ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To think that I have been "trying" that long.. just really, really hurts. I don't know how else to say it.

Part of me feels in shock..I have lost 2 babies in the last year and a half. That is hard to handle when I take a step back and reflect. I put all the treatments aside and just think...I've lost two precious lives.

Another part of me feels stuck...I have options, but yet the problem is - I'm not excited to do any of them. Right now none of them feel "right"...not a 3rd IVF, not taking a break, not adopting, not pursuing donor eggs or embryo adoption.

I pray every night that God will guide us as we try and plan our next steps towards building our family. I need some direction from up above. Please God, help us find our way.

I Really Would....