I'm gonna knock out the next insensitive person who tells me to relax!

The end of the school year is approaching...I should be really excited, right?  WRONG!  This time of year is really making me sad.  Last year at this time, about 10 days after the end of the school year, I found out I was pregnant.  The change in season, the upcoming change in routine is making it all come back to me. 

My husband and I are also currently planning a trip this summer.  My husband is a coach of a junior mountain bike team and every summer we take the juniors to nationals.  Well, last year it was in Colorado, which is where I miscarried.  This year it is in Sun Valley, Idaho - which is a relief.  If it were in Colorado again, I would definitely not be able to go.  The planning portion alone is getting to be too much to handle. 

A lot of things have been bothering me lately..my latest tweet was "Yeah, I'm moody.  So????" I'm sorry if this post offends anyone...but really, this is my blog and it should be a safe place to let it all out.  It's unfortunate infertility has become a means of finding out who your real friends are.  I've been having problems with a friend (who knows everything).  She has not asked me how things are going ONCE since my failed IVF.  She doesn't even know I switched doctors!!!  Instead of alleviating stress in my life - she has been causing me stress.  She has been arguing with me about petty things, which really are the least of my worries! I'm not saying it's all about me - but really, I would do anything for anyone of my friends going through this.  I would do all I could to make them feel better, not worse.  I have definitely taken a step back... I'm sorry, but right now I need friends in my life that love me for who I am and who will hold me up.  At this point in my life, I just don't have room for anyone who brings unnecessary drama in my life - I just don't have the emotional capacity at this time. 

Annoyance #2 - A friend of mine's husband had the nerve to say to my husband that I should "just relax".  I really wanted to bitch this friend out and her husband, but hubby begged me not to!  He said this friend said this to him in confidence and I respect that.  BUT, it's also kind of like how I shared my struggles of infertility with my friend and NOT her husband.  I get that couples share things with each other.  But wow does it make me feel uncomfortable when we hang out with this couple.  I can't help but imagine what he's thinking of me, how I should just "relax".  Maybe my friend should inform him that I "relaxed" the first three f'en years of my marriage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  How's that for relaxing?  Is that long enough for him?  Does three years meet his relaxation prerequisite?  I wish people with no experience going through this would keep their insensitive comments to themselves!

On a much more positive note - I want to thank all of you who have shown me unconditional love.  I don't want things that upset me to supersede the blessings I do have in my life.   I have SO many wonderful family members & friends in my life - who love me, even when I'm moody.  Your constant love & support reminds me that I have the strength to keep going.  When I feel myself about to lose all hope - one of you finds a way to pick me right back up again. 

Thanks sis!  I know you get the brunt of my moodiness and I am sorry.  :(

Shout Out

Sending out lots of love to my friend Makelle.  She is one of my only friends that completely "gets me".  We literally talk every day and I consider her friendship a blessing.  I can tell her anything ..vent, vent, and vent some more and she will completely understand.  Why?  Because unfortunately she has been down a rough road too and has experienced many heartaches.  She deserves to be happy and I hope this IVF is the answer to all of her prayers. 

There is really nothing else new here in Milwaukee.  I am just waiting for my next cycle to start so I can continue moving forward with the ovarian reserve testing.  I am feeling anxious to get some answers and even more anxious to get on with IVF #2. 

The end of the year countdown has started at school..only 14 days left. 

Oh and still no word from my old doctor as to when they will be refunding me the fees I paid upfront for freezing.  I'm shocked (insert sarcastic tone). 

Roberto

I can imagine that it has to be really difficult to be friends with an infertile, like me.  What do you say? How do you show your support?  How do you remain sensitive to your friends struggles? And the questions go on and on... 

I would like to thank all of my friends who have shown their support over the past few months, well actually years.  But today, I would like to send a special thank you to my friend Erin.  Erin and I met in college and went through the School of Education together at UW-Milwaukee.  We had a blast getting to know one another while pursuing our student teaching experiences.  She is now a teacher and soccer coach in Minnesota.    Over the past year, there have been times I found myself creating distance between us.  For example, when I miscarried while she was pg this past summer or when I was going through treatments around the same time her first daughter was born.  She always found a way to not only forgive me, but to understand.  I miss her every single day.  I pray that one day I can find peace in my own life and make up for all the lost time my infertility has caused.  I hope someday I can be half of the friend she has been to me. 

Even though we're hundreds of miles apart Erin can always find a way to make me smile...whether it's a silly text about Becky from Blockbuster who misses me, a shout out to Timothy (our imaginary friend from our old neighborhood who is infatuated with burritos), or a surprise visit from Roberto (our traveling stuffed snake).  Erin - Thank you for never giving up on me, or our friendship.  Your unconditional love & and support holds me afloat.  

And don't worry...Roberto made it safe and sound. 

(Roberto arrived on my door step on Wednesday via UPS...special delivery to bring me a smile...and as you can see, it sure worked!) 

For All the Hubby's Out There

I came across these clips today...I appreciate a piece of literature written from a man's perspective and also intended for a male audience.   Most literature out there is written for the female audience and as we all know - this is just as hard on our dear husbands. 

 I was shocked to hear that the author's wife went through 16 artificial inseminations & 10 IVF's.  Gotta love the happy ending though..take a look.

What’s a guy to expect when she’s not expecting?

&

A "We" and "Us" Issue

New RE...New Hope

I had my first appointment with the new RE on Wednesday.  What a HUGE difference!  I do not in any way want to "dis" my old doctor.  I really did like her character and the amount of time she was willing to spend with me.  It's crazy how I didn't realize how much greener the grass is on the other side, until I actually went to the other side.  The new RE's office is much more organized!  I was very impressed!  First the nurse met with me, then the doc, then an insurance specialist, and then the nurse one more time.  I was really fond of the doctor and her support staff.

There are some things in my records that aren't quite lining up and my new RE would like to dig a bit more.  So this is what the plan is looking like:
June cycle - Additional ovarian reserve testing.   There are some discrepancies with my FSH levels in my records.  The results of the testing will  affect the IVF success rates.  If my levels fall in the normal range throughout the cycle, I will have a 50-60% of IVF working.  If the results come back not normal, my chances for IVF working will drop to about 30%.  Quite a difference...
July cycle - BCP for 21 days
August - Stimming, retrieval & transfer

I'm actually quite happy with the timeline.  My first failed IVF cycle hit me harder than I could ever imagine.  I'm looking forward to having some more time to heal.  We may be doing a lil bit of traveling in July, so it will be nice not to worry about shooting up and just have the freedom to enjoy summer.  I'm also relieved that it looks like we will be able to do IVF #2 before I go back to school in the fall.

The insurance front had some good news & eh news.  The good news was now that my provider has changed my insurance has "reset"...meaning I have the full $30,000 to work with again for IVF treatments.  The eh news was that the insurance specialist said they have a really hard time convincing the insurance company that the patients absolutely need IVF to get pregnant.  Luckily, I have history to show that I do indeed need this procedure, which she said will definitely help my case.  ( 6 unsuccessful Clomid cycles, 3 failed IUI's, and 1 failed IVF)  She will be working on gaining my pre-approval.  Hopefully my history will provide sufficient evidence!!!

I definitely walked out with a renewed sense of hope.

Yes, I'm Still Here!

I survived Mother's Day!!!!!  I'd have to say it went pretty well, considering.   On Friday, I was pretty sad for a few reasons.  It started at the end of the work day when one of my friends said to me "Have a good weekend" as she left my classroom.  REALLY?!?!? (Keep in mind this friend knows everything I have been through)  I may just be overly emotional, but I thought this was extremely insensitive. 

Insert sarcastic tone... Yeah, I'm going to have a great weekend - celebrating the fact that I still am NOT a mom.  Oh and even better, I'm going to celebrate the fact that if I wouldn't have miscarried - I would have been having my very first Mother's Day with a three month old.  Yes, I'm going to have a GREAT weekend.

I don't know why - but this really bothered me.  But, my Mom & sister came to visit Friday and Saturday and we had a great time.  We went out to eat a couple times, saw "Something Borrowed", and went to a dancing horses show.  Then on Sunday, I spent the day with my mother-in-law and brothers.  It's amazing how much brothers can take your mind off of things.  I played basketball for like the first time in five years and realized how out of shape I am!  My heart was literally pounding out of my chest - major indication that I need to start exercising more. 

  Sunday brunch

Sunday dinner

Once again, my family held me up and helped me make it through the weekend.  Thank you all!  I love you more than you could ever imagine. 

Oh and big day tomorrow...my first appointment with my new doctor!!!!

Next Year?

What's new since Monday? 

Well, my records have officially been transferred over to the new RE's office.  What a pain it was dealing with the old RE's office staff.  Since I've requested my records, the Dr. has called me two times with about four different excuses as to why she didn't return my phone calls with answers to my questions.  These were the questions I asked almost a month ago when I found out my first IVF cycle failed.  (mostly insurance related) 

My latest question is - When will you refund me the $650 I paid up front for the embryo freezing?  ( I didn't have any that made it to the freezing point)  The secretary said she will leave a note for the doctor.  Ha!  How many times have I heard that before?!?!?!

I have mixed emotions about the upcoming holiday...I am really excited about spending the next couple days with my mom (and sister).  I don't get to see her as often as I would like to ...so definitely looking forward to our time together.  But then of course, there are the other emotions that come along with Mother's Day.  The most obvious & depressing one is every Mother's Day that comes along, I think to myself - "Maybe next year you will be a mom".  It hit me kind of hard today when I was printing out all the typed letters my third graders wrote to their mamas.  I couldn't help but thinking that I might never be the recipient of one of those sweet, thoughtful, precious letters. 

Sending love to all the mothers out there.  I refuse to lose hope.  I hope I can join the celebration...next year.

Decision Made

After not receiving a call back from my doctor's office in a timely fashion (again), I have decided to make the switch.

I have an appointment with my new RE Wednesday, May 11th.

I had to sign a release today for the old office in order for my records to be transferred....awkward. 

Other news - I had a great meeting with my RESOLVE friends this evening.  Such a great group of girls that actually "get ME" and I "get them".  Simply refreshing.