Checked OUT!

Hi Ladies - Yes, I have been "checked out" for the past couple weeks. In a way this has been okay for me as I've had lots of distractions. I'm sure a big reason as to why I have mentally checked out is because of the news I received from my doctor after my testing month. The tests basically confirmed that my FSH is pretty high. What does this really mean? Well, it basically lowers my chances of conceiving through IVF down to 15%. She brought up the whole option of donor eggs and it all hit me very hard. I think I cried harder than when my first IVF cycle failed. I just couldn't seem to get over it. That's hard to take - that WITH IVF my chances are still only 15%. I'm not sure how a person is hopeful with those kinds of odds...but the fact of the matter is: there is still a chance! A chance that I am damn sure ready to fight for! So that's where we stand. My insurance nurse got back to me yesterday and confirmed that I have full coverage for two fresh IVF cycles...so that's what I am going to do. Using donor eggs is not covered by insurance and is extremely expensive, so at this point - I would like to continue trying my own (especially since its covered).

Where does a girls mind go with this news? Definitely a lot of thought about using donor eggs and definitely a lot of thought starts to go into adoption. Luckily, one of my friends is going through adoption now so I get to see her experience it and ask questions along the way. So yes, those thoughts are in the back of my head - but the next step right now is another IVF cycle. It looks like I will hopefully get started on my birth control in the middle of July..haven't decided if I'm ready to begin again or if I need another month to continue processing this and heal.

Girls - if you have any high FSH success stories - PLEASE SHARE! I need all the hope I can get!

Other than that, I have just started to enjoy summer. My husband is a Junior Cycling coach and we are taking 10 of the Juniors out to Sun Valley, Idaho to compete in the National Championships. It's great because I have been involved with a lot of the planning, which completely keeps my mind "busy". We've had riders staying with us from South Africa and California (hosting is another distraction).

Oh and here are a few photos from the beach yesterday. Buckwheat was in his element - fetch & water. Looks like he "checked out" too after his fun in the sun.

Miss you all - I've been thinking of you!

Summer At Last

I have to apologize once again.  A few of my friends have been asking me ..why haven't you been posting?  It's simple - I have just been incredibly busy with the closing of another school year.  Yesterday was my last day with the kids and today was a teacher work day to finish records, cleaning, etc.  I am officially off from work til the end of August.  I have been counting down the days like crazy for summer break - now it's here and I am sad.  How can I be sad when I don't have to go to work for 2 months? (you might be thinking)  I don't know - saying goodbye to my students is really hard on me and it seems to get worse each year.  When I think of it - taking care of my students is the only opportunity I have to nurture a child.  Being able to nurture children brings so much joy and fulfillment to my life.  Now that they're gone - I feel even more like I have nothing.  No one needs me...no one relies on me...no one looks up to me.  Therefore, I am feeling even more empty than normal.  Here is a photo of me and some of my students on the last day of school. 

(silly face photos are always the best)

I've also been busy with some family events - out of town last weekend to celebrate my nephew's 15th birthday.  It was really nice as I was able to spend some time with him, my sister, and my other nephew.  I've been really lucky because this nephew has been staying with us for the past couple weeks.  He is here to train with my husband, to get himself ready for the mountain bike national championships that we are traveling to in July.  I love having him here!  We just play around a lot and his presence definitely lights up my mood.

my nephew on his birthday - such a cutie


The weekend before that was my lil brother's high school graduation. Even though we are 11 years apart, we are super close.  I can always be silly with him, which allows me to completely take my mind off of things.    I am really looking fwd to having him close by in Milwaukee next year for college.

Lil brother & I at his h.s. graduation

So what's new with me in the trying to conceive world?  Well the saga continues and nothing really!  I was at my  doctor's office last week to do some CD3 bloodwork.  I have one day left of Clomid.  Then, back to Dr's office on Saturday for more bloodwork.  The results of this testing should give us a better of indication of my ovarian function.  The follow up appt will be sometime next week and I will be sure to update as soon as I find out. 

Even though I haven't been updating much - I have been following all of you very closely.  Thinking of you all and praying you find the strength to keep going. I sure am struggling with this.  Also, a huge wave of good luck to my friend Makelle.  She is going to take a hpt on Saturday morning to find out if her first IVF worked.  Praying for you dear!   

The title "boring" would be an understatement

Sorry everyone - there is just not much going on with me.  I took this last month completely off and I know this sounds crazy, but I don't even know when AF is actually due.  I remember I had AF in May before my RE appointment on the 11th... that's all I can remember.  So basically it should be due within the next few days.  Once it starts, I will call RE and make an appt to have blood work done on CD3.  Pretty exciting, hey?  Ha!

Officially one more week of school!  The days have been pretty treacherous in the classroom as we have had temps reaching 95 degrees here in Milwaukee.

Best wishes to my friend, Makelle. She her day5 transfer tomorrow!  I am praying that God blesses her and her husband with a successful cycle.

I Want to Make her an Auntie!!!!!

Today is a very special day  - it's my sister's birthday!  Some of you may be thinking, wow - well that's nice, but so?!?  This sister of mine is not your average sister here.  This woman is my go-to-girl, my rock, my best friend.  She has always been there for me, even on my most ugly days (I know, yuck). I think to myself, how can she possibly put up with me?  She is the first person I call when:  I'm upset, I had a doctor's appointment, I'm sick, I'm happy, I'm excited, or when I just need to vent.  Why?  Because she always understands and knows just how to find a way to make me feel better.  I don't know how she does it...really.  She has provided me with the utmost support while going through infertility.  She has educated herself about infertility, high FSH, IUI's, and the IVF process so she can understand what it is I'm going through.   Heck - when I had my mock transfer she even assisted my doc with the procedure (long story, but funny).  I know she feels bad at times thinking she can't fix this for me or help me solve my problem as infertility is just completely out of anyones control.  But what she doesn't realize is that she DOES help me, every single day, just by being there.  Simply being there.  I could not do this without you sis.  I love you so very much and I hope this year is your best yet.  I hope this is the year that you finally get to be an auntie!  XOXO!

I'm gonna knock out the next insensitive person who tells me to relax!

The end of the school year is approaching...I should be really excited, right?  WRONG!  This time of year is really making me sad.  Last year at this time, about 10 days after the end of the school year, I found out I was pregnant.  The change in season, the upcoming change in routine is making it all come back to me. 

My husband and I are also currently planning a trip this summer.  My husband is a coach of a junior mountain bike team and every summer we take the juniors to nationals.  Well, last year it was in Colorado, which is where I miscarried.  This year it is in Sun Valley, Idaho - which is a relief.  If it were in Colorado again, I would definitely not be able to go.  The planning portion alone is getting to be too much to handle. 

A lot of things have been bothering me lately..my latest tweet was "Yeah, I'm moody.  So????" I'm sorry if this post offends anyone...but really, this is my blog and it should be a safe place to let it all out.  It's unfortunate infertility has become a means of finding out who your real friends are.  I've been having problems with a friend (who knows everything).  She has not asked me how things are going ONCE since my failed IVF.  She doesn't even know I switched doctors!!!  Instead of alleviating stress in my life - she has been causing me stress.  She has been arguing with me about petty things, which really are the least of my worries! I'm not saying it's all about me - but really, I would do anything for anyone of my friends going through this.  I would do all I could to make them feel better, not worse.  I have definitely taken a step back... I'm sorry, but right now I need friends in my life that love me for who I am and who will hold me up.  At this point in my life, I just don't have room for anyone who brings unnecessary drama in my life - I just don't have the emotional capacity at this time. 

Annoyance #2 - A friend of mine's husband had the nerve to say to my husband that I should "just relax".  I really wanted to bitch this friend out and her husband, but hubby begged me not to!  He said this friend said this to him in confidence and I respect that.  BUT, it's also kind of like how I shared my struggles of infertility with my friend and NOT her husband.  I get that couples share things with each other.  But wow does it make me feel uncomfortable when we hang out with this couple.  I can't help but imagine what he's thinking of me, how I should just "relax".  Maybe my friend should inform him that I "relaxed" the first three f'en years of my marriage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  How's that for relaxing?  Is that long enough for him?  Does three years meet his relaxation prerequisite?  I wish people with no experience going through this would keep their insensitive comments to themselves!

On a much more positive note - I want to thank all of you who have shown me unconditional love.  I don't want things that upset me to supersede the blessings I do have in my life.   I have SO many wonderful family members & friends in my life - who love me, even when I'm moody.  Your constant love & support reminds me that I have the strength to keep going.  When I feel myself about to lose all hope - one of you finds a way to pick me right back up again. 

Thanks sis!  I know you get the brunt of my moodiness and I am sorry.  :(

Shout Out

Sending out lots of love to my friend Makelle.  She is one of my only friends that completely "gets me".  We literally talk every day and I consider her friendship a blessing.  I can tell her anything ..vent, vent, and vent some more and she will completely understand.  Why?  Because unfortunately she has been down a rough road too and has experienced many heartaches.  She deserves to be happy and I hope this IVF is the answer to all of her prayers. 

There is really nothing else new here in Milwaukee.  I am just waiting for my next cycle to start so I can continue moving forward with the ovarian reserve testing.  I am feeling anxious to get some answers and even more anxious to get on with IVF #2. 

The end of the year countdown has started at school..only 14 days left. 

Oh and still no word from my old doctor as to when they will be refunding me the fees I paid upfront for freezing.  I'm shocked (insert sarcastic tone). 

Roberto

I can imagine that it has to be really difficult to be friends with an infertile, like me.  What do you say? How do you show your support?  How do you remain sensitive to your friends struggles? And the questions go on and on... 

I would like to thank all of my friends who have shown their support over the past few months, well actually years.  But today, I would like to send a special thank you to my friend Erin.  Erin and I met in college and went through the School of Education together at UW-Milwaukee.  We had a blast getting to know one another while pursuing our student teaching experiences.  She is now a teacher and soccer coach in Minnesota.    Over the past year, there have been times I found myself creating distance between us.  For example, when I miscarried while she was pg this past summer or when I was going through treatments around the same time her first daughter was born.  She always found a way to not only forgive me, but to understand.  I miss her every single day.  I pray that one day I can find peace in my own life and make up for all the lost time my infertility has caused.  I hope someday I can be half of the friend she has been to me. 

Even though we're hundreds of miles apart Erin can always find a way to make me smile...whether it's a silly text about Becky from Blockbuster who misses me, a shout out to Timothy (our imaginary friend from our old neighborhood who is infatuated with burritos), or a surprise visit from Roberto (our traveling stuffed snake).  Erin - Thank you for never giving up on me, or our friendship.  Your unconditional love & and support holds me afloat.  

And don't worry...Roberto made it safe and sound. 

(Roberto arrived on my door step on Wednesday via UPS...special delivery to bring me a smile...and as you can see, it sure worked!)